She had slammed the door again. Walking out with so much huff it was hard to determine which was loudest-her anger or the slammed door. The arguments remain the same only in different tempos or places. The hurled accusations had one thing in common. “You’re not listening!” she always cried. Tom wondered for the upteenth time, how hard it could be to listen to one so small. It was then he remembered, that’s exactly the same thing his ex-wife accused him of. And though he loved his 9 year old daughter to bits, he wondered again, if this was just another mimicry of his ex-wife’s aggression or perhaps something truly was missing in his listening skills.
Have you been in Tom’s shoes lately? Where your spouse, child, sibling or even colleagues think you’re not listening? How about if you’re the misunderstood party? Almost every thing you say, no matter how much it is repeated or how often/loud you shout it, no one just seems to get you? There’s seems to be this invisible screen between you and whoever it is you’re communicating with.
When Stephen Covey wrote the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and wrote about “seek first to understand, than be understood,” a lot of people bought into the art of communication and there were a lot training around the art of listening to understand than listening to respond. Yet very few mastered the other half which increased the emotional bank account, acutely dealt with in the introductory chapter of the same book – The gift of attention. Many relationship advisers tell you about the art of listening but rarely about The Gift of Attention.
You may now begin to wonder, what’s the difference? Neuro – scientists have discovered specific tools to help anyone understand the language that rarely uses words and it’s called RAPPORT. Yes, it’s a common enough word but so often underutilised, misused or misunderstood in the context of what it truly means and the power it can unleash in creating lasting relationships.
Rapport uses the art of listening AND the gift of attention for an individual to truly understand what is not said versus what is yelled. When your 9 year old daughter yells, “you’re not listening,” it’s not that you’re not hearing the words she’s sometimes speaking.
More that you, you are not getting what is not being said. Rapport involves matching and mirroring physiology and emotions to create the aura of SAMENESS in order to generate the most ideal response and not merely the expected one. It helps you understand the 93% of communication most will miss, not because they hadnt been listening but because they weren’t paying attention to all the physiological, tonality and language cues.
The gift of attention gives you an opportunity to see the other person as they truly are without judgement. It helps you get the language that uses no words because the next time your spouse, talks about you not listening, what they really may mean is, “you’re not paying enough (if at all any) attention to the language that conveys emotions and character of the other person.
The gift of attention helps you reach a level or space that connects you to the other person without words and convinces the other person that you care and you’re not judging even if you may not agree. It gets them comfortable to use words that matter to them instead of being on the defensive and vice versa. Take a look back to someone who truly mattered in your life? What was the one thing you cherished the most about this person? Was it the amount of time spent together or the quality of time together?
Tony Robbins puts it this way, “if you can meet someone at the place they are, such that the rhythm of their breathing is similar to yours, you can practically transform their ideas and make them meet you where you are”. In NLP, the matching and mirroring tool has proven to be a unique, effective tool to saving many relationships and solving decades of misunderstanding that had often built resentment.
Our NLP training at InnocentMINDS adequately covers this deeply unique manner of understanding and using appropriate communication like no other training organisation in Nigeria. Endeavour to be at either any of our NLP Level 1 Certification training events that introduces you to the concept of Rapport and building relationships that lasts longer . Remember, you are only as strong as the impact you make and your impact is measured in the quality of relationships and networks.
To learn more about this, plan to attend any of our NLP Results Certification and Practitioner Level 1 trainings.
This event costs N400,000 from the 1st of May 2017 but you can enjoy it for just N280k if you register NOW. To register, visit https://www.innocentminds.com.ng/im-nlp-course-contents/ and get enrolment details.
You may alternatively call:
Sunni on 0908 678 6515 or Jeremiah on 0806 552 1140.
To your success!