Have you met my friend? The Serial dater? He/ she is always in a relationship that lasts as long as a whip-cream or in multiple relationships at one time. The relationships never last long, not because he doesn’t want them to or she is a gold digger out for a time of her life. Far from it, sometimes, these kinds of people actually crave love the most. It happens for a number of reasons. They want a fulfilling relationship but don’t believe they can find it with one person. They are often so lost themselves, they seek everything they are not in other people. Most of the time, their partners can’t give them the buffet of all they perceive love to be, so they seek different things from different partners and can’t seem to make up their mind on what matters the most. They enjoy how Partner A talks to them and how partner B has sex them and how partner C takes care of their needs. They can’t seem to get these values all in one partner, so they keep the game on at all times with different people. Sometimes, it’s not even about multiple relationships or what they seek; they just enjoy the effect of having more than one person value them (or so it seems). The need to be needed is how they believe they are worthy.
Some people would express the joy of sensing and feeling needed or wanted or even being the source of enjoyment for another as something that served their esteem and self worth. Some need to desperately be in another relationship to prove that they are wanted after a previous one has ended. In other cases, folks would simply use several relationships to keep score and to avoid being boxed in a corner.
Judging them can be quite easy until you really understand how defective and unhelpful that truly is. They need help more than judgment.
If you’re reading this and you have one of these attributes or know someone who does, here it is again: Help is needed! The point here is, the need for serial dating or multiple relationships stems out of low self-esteem, betrayal, rejection, hurt or even neglect either in the distant past or even a close one. Significant Emotional Experiences often dictate what kind of beliefs an individual may take to heart. Self-limiting beliefs that creates negative behavioral patterns for such individuals and make them liable to acting out. While a child would throw a tantrum with such an experience, an adult reacts by using or misusing other people’s emotions for a quick fix to make him/her feel better. And like all drugs mentioned in previous series of this article, it’s only a temporary fix. What is needed is identifying these patterns, what the individual actually needs, what void he/she is trying to fill and how the void was created. A good therapist can identify these patterns and unravel the experiences that created this. However the individual needs to be ready and convinced that he/ she truly need help. You can only get as far as you really want even in matters of the heart and emotions.
The whole point of this article and the three write-ups preceding it (links to the others provided below) is to help us all identify why some relationships fail. Not all relationships are doomed to fail even with all these so far identified. Some will make it so long as BOTH partners are willing to do the work. The work is often a trip back to how negative behavioral patterns were formed in the first place and fixing those initial problems that made them show up as individuals before going ahead to become part of a unit. We live in highly volatile and sexualized world where ideals and values are cheap to accept but very difficult to imbibe. Standards are raised and lowered everyday and the family unit seem to be undecided on what works and what doesn’t. And as this become more prevalent, we raise more emotionally imbalanced individuals. Everyone has a role to play and it starts with the choices you make as an individual before becoming part of a family system. To have a lasting, thriving and fulfilling relationship, you first have to be thriving and fulfilled as an individual. Personal mastery is the key to revolting against the negative and unbalanced relationships pervading our lives. Personal mastery starts with You NOW.
INNOCENT USAR is a Lifestyle Coach, Master Practitioner and Trainer of Neuro – Linguistics Programming. He travels the length and breathe of Nigeria helping individuals, organisations and people of faith to easily break away from fearful as well as other acquired self – limiting patterns
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