While there are many reasons to get married, the most universally acclaimed or accepted reason is LOVE. This means different things to different people. The other reasons individuals are often blinded to include but not limited to, are the need for acceptance, the seeking of self worth in another person or the escaping of a toxic childhood experience or a painful, traumatic or hurting past or on-going family experience.
Sometimes, it starts as simply needing another person’s approval to feel good about ourselves. Soon, the person becomes intoxicated with the approval and the feel-good drug. That baggage taken into a marriage can be very intoxicating at first for both the giver and the taker. Both parties would do it time after time, year after year and what you have is a depletion of emotional resources on both ends. At some point in time, the feel good drug, that was key to sustaining the relationship becomes too much to bear for the spouse giving it and too little or wane, for the spouse receiving it.
How about the individual that met his/her spouse at a time he/she, was in need of a career direction or life-purpose? Suddenly, there’s someone professing undying love for you, so you assume this will automatically fix other parts of your life not hitherto working or not so clear. Soon enough, this lack of direction breeds contempt for self which will ultimately leaks into your relationship. And you may be quick to blame, your marriage for your lack of of purpose or passion, forgetting you never had one before the relationship started in the first place.
Lack of self-esteem and life-purpose are a couple of pre-relationship baggage most couples start out with. Hoping the perfect person will fix the void in their lives. The saying “You complete me” takes a literal meaning as well as a metaphorical band-aid to all that is missing in individuals having these issues. It is romantic and easily helps individuals GET HIGH ON “I DO”. But if we were to realize, wholeness and wholesomeness is what will really make a GENUINE individual thrive within and outside any relationship, most individuals will take a pause in understanding what it is they really seek in marriages.
You cannot look for what is missing in you, in another person. How would you feel knowing that that is what the other person is seeking in you as well, knowing fully well you don’t have it?
Your sense of purpose and direction and ultimately self esteem, self-love and self-worth are all ingredients to a happy person that can truly, wholesomely drive a successful relationship. Without these, the relationship is built for failure right from the start unless help is sought.
Most couples do not realize these baggage are determinants of the success or failure of their union until it is quite late except for the few ones who seek the much needed help through professional coaching, therapy or counselling. If you’re single, NOW is the time is detoxify from the “alpha drug of relationship,” to really, truly understand yourself first before bonding with another. And if you do, be sure your partner does too. Remember, you will only attract what and who you have become. Don’t agree to being a quick-fix for another person’s void. Sooner or later, it will become too much a burden and you will become resented once you stop giving it out in a dose that is required.
Next in the series, we’ll look at childhood experiences and how it shapes THE MARITAL HIGH. Please feel free to share widely.
INNOCENT USAR is a Lifestyle Coach, Master Practitioner and Trainer of Neuro – Linguistics Programming. He travels the length and breathe of Nigeria helping individuals, organisations and people of faith to easily break away from fearful as well as other acquired self – limiting patterns
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